Last summer Bernard Goldberg wrote an inflammatory little book entitled "100 People Who Are Screwing Up America (And Al Franken Is #37)". It was hardly surprising in a book written by a staunch conservative who claims that the entire media is a vast left-wing conspiracy, that almost every name on the list was a liberal and/or a democrat. He even included Jimmy Carter on the list. Yes, I can totally see how in between winning a Nobel Peace Prize and building houses for poor people, Jimmy Carter is the biggest threat our nation faces right now.

However, as I was forced to watch Fox News today while visiting my grandfather (the only person I know who's a republican that I can still bring myself to care for), it occurred to me that we as a nation face a far bigger threat than retired peanut farmers who masquerade as foreign diplomats. So, I've decided to make my own list of people who are ruining America.

1. John Gibson (media commentator; Fox News)- John Gibson is probably the biggest asshat in America. From his freakish hairstyle to his "America's biggest blowhard" persona, everything about him is patently offensive. Strangely, he always reminds me of Bob's Big Boy. Dress him in red checkered overalls and give him a platter of burgers, and he's your man. The statements he makes on his show, The Big Story, are enough to make Bill O'Reilly cringe. Like in May, when he suggested that white people should start having more babies because he had read a report that suggested that 50% of the children in this country are minorities. Apparently this scared the sweet, white-bread shit out of Gibson who said, "By far, the greatest number are Hispanic. You know what that means? Twenty-five years and the majority of the population is Hispanic." Actually, John is an idiot. Since the report said half of all children are minorities, and there are many different types of minorities, not just Hispanics, that group is not going to be a majority anytime soon. At any rate, one can only guess at the ignorant and racist reasons that John finds a hispanic majority so appalling.
2. Pat Robertson (Televangelist; Christian Broadcasting Network)- Ah, good old Pat. Famous for attributing inclement weather to the wrath of God and for upholding the sixth commandment by calling for the assasination of a foreign head of state, Pat Robertson is number two on the list of people who actually are destroying America. On his show, The 700 Club, Pat regularly spews his fundy nonsense and misrepresents the facts to a plethora of dumb and eager christian coalition types. What's amazing about Pat is that the man is the exact description of what a guy named Jesus would have referred to as a Pharisee, or in Jesus' quaint turn of phrase, "you brood of vipers".
3. Paris Hilton (socialite; in your face; all fucking day long)- That's right folks. Paris Hilton is ruining America. Hilton has single handedly turned a generation of young girls into vapid, empty headed drones who live only to have sex with as many men as possible and be able to afford both a designer dog and a Luis Vuitton bag to put it in. Luckily, VH1 is on to her, and are now possessed of the technology to translate her particular brand of "whorespeak" into english, exposing the propaganda within.
4. George Bush- Needs no explanation.
5. Hillary Clinton (senator, possible presidential candidate; on my last nerve)- Hillary Clinton is an idiot. If she runs for president in the 2008 election, she will lose, and unless our entire system of bipartisan politics changes in the next two years, that means another republican will be in office. It's not that I don't like her (I don't though) nor does it have anything to do with her husband (I did like him). It's just that for some reason she annoys the shit out of people and nobody but the most die-hard liberals will vote for her. Which means that the critical undecided swing voters will vote for the other guy. I'd like there to be a woman president just as much as the next person, but I'm not willing to risk another four to eight years of Republican asshattery over the feminist cause.

Categories: Humor, Politics